So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
