I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
