the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i came on her dog
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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