New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
