I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
