Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
