My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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