This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
