You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I supernannyed him into submission
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
