is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
