Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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