i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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