You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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