Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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