You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
