Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Randomize
