If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
