i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
