oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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