and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Green mimosas i think yes
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
