Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
She said her name was "party"
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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