Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Randomize
