oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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