I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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