Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
