Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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