you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
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