In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
