That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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