don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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