Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
50% drunk capacity currently
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
