She went from zero to smokin in five shots
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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