Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
