when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
