Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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