I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
