i wish there were pregnant emoticons
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
