I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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