I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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