I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
