he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
