Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize