Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
