i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
