____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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