I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
