Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize