I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
