HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
