her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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