standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
