Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize