i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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