It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
