i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
