i would punch a child for taco bell
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
