I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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