If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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