shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
