She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
